I've been feeling disheartened the last few weeks: in myself, in school, in this path I'm making my way on, or through, or down. It feels like a Lutheran guilt cupcake iced with doubt. "Being shaken is a part of growing." "Faith is only solid when questioned." I keep repeating these types of phrases to myself, attempting to trust the process of growth through tempered cliche-isms. I spoke with a teacher who is quite good at her job, but conducts the business of teaching in the authoritative "break 'em down and build 'em up," "don't smile 'til Thanksgiving" kind of way. And I kept thinking while driving around a variety of poverty-stricken to wealthy neighborhoods that people will survive regardless of the education they receive. But, how can we help them thrive? Maybe there really are too many unsolvable problems. I have a lot to learn and a hell of a lot more to practice, but most of all, I need to trust. I need to be in the moment.
I shared all this with the Husband last night over Monday Night Football, white wine, and some homemade pot pie. Almost near tears, oven-hot carrots burning my tongue, he embraced my state, saying, mid-smile: "This is what you do, Jo. This is what gets you to create. You've got that tortured soul of yours and it will eventually fuel your fire again. You only need to be you." Or he said something similar, but probably a little more eloquent...
I'm working on being better, doing Better. In the meantime, a gift for a good friend's baby shower in progress. Applique and embroidery.